These are words I hear all to often, just relax it will happen. I know the people relaying these words are only trying to help or they just don't know what else to say but after hearing these words for so long and and so many times they cause infuriating reactions within me every time I hear them now.
I decided to start a blog because I thought it might be a good outlet to get my frustration out without having to bombard my close friends and family all the time with my obsession of trying to conceive. This is a big deal for me as most everyone in my life knows that my husband and I are "trying" not many know of our struggles. I have decided that instead of hiding it and giving the polite answer every time I hear "just relax" I am letting the world know....relaxing is not going to make me pregnant.
Our journey together started almost three years ago, we met on a quasi blind date, we had seen pictures because we met on Match.com and had spoken on the phone numerous times but our first date was the first time in person. It was January 21st 2007, one of my best days. I knew Eric was cute because of his pictures and was pretty sure he was a nice guy because of our phone conversations but meeting him in person was a whole new level. I had been alone for the almost ten years prior to this first date pretty much by choice as I had a close nit group of girlfriends but never really had the confidence to as they say...get out there... and was very nervous about where this was going to go, Eric had been out of a seven year relationship for about a year and was also apprehensive about this meeting. Well, long story short...the first date was awesome and I feel in love with this man very quickly and we were married on May 20th 2008 and what a whirlwind ever since.
We decided because of our ages, I was 31 Eric was 34 that we would start trying to conceive pretty quickly. I went off my birth control in Oct of 2008 and that is when the madness began. We tried for two month and me being so naive in this process was starting to get frustrated that I was not getting pregnant..didn't this just happen, I mean I have friends who got accidentally bundles of joy and a sister who got pregnant every time she got looked at sideways :o) so with my frustration I decided to get some ovulation predictor tests..okay I thought, this will do it, and it did! I was pregnant the first month after using the OPK in December of 08. We were so overjoyed and even started thinking of names the minute the second line turned up on the HPT. I will have to admit, I was worried from day one for some reason. I know that a lot of first time pregnant women worry but this was something different. I knew deep down that something was not right...well, it was a Sunday night and I started to spot. After calling my dad who is a nurse hysterically crying cause I knew what was happening, he calmed me down enough to understand that some women spot. Okay I thought maybe this was not what my gut was telling me it was...I called the advice RN the next morning and they told me the same thing, it can be normal and just take it easy and see what happens. So I did, I stayed home from work and waited...Monday came with just light spotting and I called the advice RN that morning and they decided to go ahead and get my beta HCG done and have me come in on Tuesday. So Tuesday afternoon and head to the office to receive my fate. The RN Midwife who saw me was a wonderful lady with such a kind voice, I ask her what my HCG was (I was supposed to be six weeks that day) she tells me it is 150, I know this is not good. It should be in the tens of thousands...I know at this instant sitting there that my dream, my baby is gone. She decides to do and ultrasound anyway and the minute it starts she says to me I am so sorry honey, there is nothing there....nothing there...those words will ring in my ears forever..how can there be nothing there, I loved this little thing more than I could love anything this else for the past three weeks and there is nothing there, we lost our bean on Jan 21st 2009? So, we found out it what a blighted ovum, meaning the egg was fertilized and implanted but never grew. So the healing begins, we were both devastated as our little bean was already in our hearts but we tried to reason with ourselves, there was something wrong, it was Gods plan, these things just happen. It took a while but we were able to heal and start to move on. Thankfully I did not have to have a d&c and everything passed naturally and we were given the go to start trying again after my next cycle.
~~It was determined with some testing that I had PCOS but we knew I was ovulating since I got a positive ovulation test, and got pregnant so they decided to put me on glucophage to help my insulin levels and sent me on my way~~
So we got pregnant once this should be easy right!?!
So, armed with my OPK tests we started trying again. Feb comes and goes, March comes and goes, April comes and goes, May comes and goes...wait a minute, this was supposed to be easy. I get a positive OPK every month we "have fun" when we are supposed to, why isn't this happening? I have gone into obsession about this and poor Eric is just trying to keep up. So we decided that it is time to see a specialist. WIth my age they told me they would see me after six months of trying and we are there. I make an apt with my OB/GYN who is a great lady to talk out the specifics. By this point I am on research overload, it seems every spare minute is spend on the internet trying to find statistics, statistics about conceiving naturally, conceiving with PCOS, conceiving with different positions, conceiving, conceiving, conceiving.....so hearing her talk about all our options I feel empowered we are going to get these tests done and get to the bottom of this and we are going to conceive..lol, like it is that easy, like you can demand it. So, we decide to put me on the clomid challenge (just a fancy name to put me on clomid and take some levels at different times in my cycle) and have Eric get a semen analysis, and then set me up for an HSG.
So, this is where we stand today 9 months later, HSG done, Semen Analysis done we have challenges but nothing we can't overcome....another appointment on Tuesday to talk about our new options and where we go from here. So, thanks for the advice but as you can see just relaxing is not going to get us pregnant.
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