Limbo Land

I have found in my short 32 years that there is a weird phenomenon that happens once "we" start to get married, get pregnant, have a baby. Everyone is in a stage...and if you are not in the same stage as someone else, well then to put it bluntly you are disregarded or in limbo land.

Let me explain, I didn't get married until I was 31. I now say I was lucky enough to find my husband when I was ready but yes it was a little later then some. So when I was single, it was obvious that to some people that I couldn't possibly understand what it was like to be in a relationship and understand the complexity that it entailed. Regardless of the fact that I was a grown women and had experienced many things in my life.

So, after I was married everyone around me started getting pregnant and having babies, now I was in a new category. Not single anymore but not pregnant and then not a mother. So again, it was obvious that to some people, I couldn't possibly understand what it was like to be pregnant or have a child. Which yes, this is true. I do not know what it is like to be 38 weeks pregnant or have endless sleepless nights, or know all the ins and outs of breastfeeding or diaper changing or....well you know..... But let me try to make you understand...I AM NOT AN IDIOT. I have nephews, god daughters, friends with babies, so maybe I don't know the finite details, I do understand that your 5 month old baby does not eat steak and that he/she is not going to go to the bathroom all by her/him self. And in regards to pregnancy, yes maybe I don't know what it feels like to have a baby kick inside me but I have done enough research on the subject to make your head spin...and just because I am not pregnant doesn't mean I don't get to have opinions on how I would like my pregnancy/child birth to go. Just because you had a baby, does not make you all knowing...no...nooo...nooooo it really doesn't.

So the next time you decide to leave the woman out who is in limbo land of your friendship or discussion please remember, just because I am not in the same "stage" you are does not mean I am not interested or might even...just a thought...have an opinion or an idea that might help you.

The Humor Factor

So, when I started this blog I figured it would be a great way to get out my frustration and anxiety with the whole process of trying to have a baby. Then, after writing my first few posts and talking to one of my greatest friends about the blog she said something that has stuck with me ever since. She thought it was great and interesting but could tell I was hiding behind humor. Now let me tell you about my great friend, she says things constantly that are so astute and make me stop,think and really look at myself. And you know what she was right on. From my first post when I explain about things like my miscarriage, my husband's SA analysis and just my overall feeling about this process never did I say how scared, sad or worried I am about this. Why do we do that, hide behind our humor? Because, it is uncomfortable for everyone involved, for me who is writing about it and you who are reading it. I knew that when I decided to do this blog up that possibly a lot of people would read it. People like my mom, dad, sister, friends, extended family. So when I started to think about writing about the really hard stuff I thought how do I make this sound o.k., so that way no one will feel uncomfortable. So, therefore I used humor. This is not to say that I can't talk about experiences that I will and have gone through with some jest because face it some of this stuff is just really funny. But today is different....

I need to write about something sad, and there is no way to sugar coat it or make it funny or lighten it up because in the end it is just...sad.

Next Tuesday, 09/15/09 is what was supposed to be my due date. A whole nine months have passed since I got pregnant and a whole 8 months have passed since I lost the baby. No words can describe how sad I am about this. Instead of saying I will be okay, it's alright it will happen for us again or any other words that try to make this something that it is not, which is just hard, I am going to say that 8 months ago I lost something that was so special to Eric and I, something that we both loved very much in the short time we had it, 09/15/09 will pass for most as just another day and for me it will be forever ingrained in my memory, it will forever be the day that was supposed to be one of the happiest of my life.