Apple Hill

So the first time in a long time Eric and I had a whole day off together.


........he has been working at Buca Di Peppo as a buser to help out a bit while he was waiting for subbing to pick up. Well, subbing has picked up, he is subbing anywhere from 3-5 days a week which is great. So therefore, he has put in his two weeks notice to Bucca and we will finally have our weekends back......

But back to Apple Hill, we were both off on Veteran's Day so we decided to make the 45 minute trip up to Placerville to Apple Hill, this is basically a couple of long country roads with ranches on the side where they set up "attractions" for us city folk. The biggest one is High Hill Ranch, it is filled with great crafts, and apples of course, fudge, apple doughnuts, apple cider, a great pond for the kids to fish at and the splendor of the changing colors and the solace you get from being out of the city. I love it, truly love it.

So, we hung out at High Hill Ranch for a while, walked around the craft booths, bought some apples for both baking and eating, and got some apple butter (how can you go to apple hill and not get apple butter). We just relaxed and enjoyed each other. After High Hill Ranch we drove over to Abel's Acres which was another ranch down the road their line for apple doughnuts was not nearly as long so we bought a couple and walked over to their pond and sat and ate our apple doughnuts and met a lovely lab named Cody...which made us miss our Tucker and Sammie and we promised each other that we would bring them next year. All in all it was a lovely morning at Apple Hill.

After Apple Hill we drove back down into Old Placerville which is one of my favorite towns. We parked at the end of their Main Street and just walked. To my surprise and joy the first shop we came across was a Knit Shop which was exciting for me as I have just started to knit. We went in and I found some great yarn for a new scarf...we then made our way over to Sweetie Pies, for lunch which was a quintessential "mom and pop" restaurant and so lovely. We had lunch and then of course had to get a piece of pie each to go. I got peach and Eric got Olallieberry and Peach. We had never heard of Olallieberry but asked the waitress and she said it was a cross between a raspberry and a blackberry...and yummy!

So, with our full tummy's we walked Old Placerville, stopping in shops that caught our eye and of course stopping in the Thomas Kincaid gallery, which even thought his art is not really my taste you can't help but marvel at his work and how each painting looks like there is a light on behind it. And a personal to me because my Grandma Muterspaugh loved him so every time I see his work it reminds me of her.

On our way back to our car we were passing a coffee shop and Eric stopped in his tracks, now Eric does not drink coffee so I could not figure out why he stopped until I saw it...the case with the Gelato...my husband LOVES gelato..so of course we had to go in and get a scoop, it is hard to find and when we do we always get some no matter how full we are. So we sat for a while in the cozy coffee shop eating our gelato and then decided our day was a perfect one and time to go home to see our pups. I love days like these and also love that we make sure to tell each other how much we enjoy each other’s company......

 

On our way

Pretty picture by the Christmas trees

Gorgeous Color

The Pond at High Hill Ranch

Eric with our purchases :o)

My attempt at photography

Another attempt

Gelato

End to a perfect day!

The Domestic Goddess

Have you ever met one of "those" women? You know the put together one. House is always clean, she bakes, cooks, sews, crafts, decorates, gardens and still has enough energy and time to take care of her kids and her husband? You know that womnn? Well, until now I have never wanted to be her. But as I have been reading random blogs I have this admiration for those women. Whose organization skills are above and beyond anything that I currently know. Yes, I can cook, yes, I clean my house, sure, I can whip up a cupcake now and then. But what I didn't realize is how much I would enjoy being a wife and how much I want to be a mother and how much I want to be that put together women who can do it all. I know, that isn't very progressive of me to want to be a great homemaker. But I do believe I can have the career and still be a great housewife. Now I understand the stigma, and that a lot of women overdo it all and don't leave enough time for themselves and give everything they have to their family. I am not talking about that woman, and let me tell you if I have enough time to watch three-four hours of television a night I have enough time to add in some things to my life that I think will make me happier.


Now, the key is to figure out how to do it, how to balance it all. I know this will be a work in progress but I am willing to do the work. I will let you know how it goes.

Another craft here I come

So, I have always wanted to learn how to knit. I have some friends who do it and I have always been jealous when they talk about working on their blankets, scarves etc. Therefore, I decided I was going to teach myself, off of you tube videos no less. Now, I have tried to start many different crafts in my life, scrap booking, sewing, painting..the list goes on and on. My patience level unfortunately has made me stop on all occasions. So here I go again, wish me luck that I can stick with it and make my ultimate goal, a blanket :o)

Reigning in the Craziness

So, when I started this blog a short couple of months ago I thought that it would be a great way to get out my frustration on our journey of trying to conceive, and it has. But now when I think about writing in the blog I think about other things, my family, my dogs, my husband, my life and I realized my life is not only about trying to conceive it is about so many other things. Yes, that is a huge part of our life right now but there is so much more to our life. So many lovely, happy moments that I would love to capture here. So I have decided to change the concept of this blog. I will still write about our struggles but also our good times so that way I have a record of this wonderful life I am living.

Limbo Land

I have found in my short 32 years that there is a weird phenomenon that happens once "we" start to get married, get pregnant, have a baby. Everyone is in a stage...and if you are not in the same stage as someone else, well then to put it bluntly you are disregarded or in limbo land.

Let me explain, I didn't get married until I was 31. I now say I was lucky enough to find my husband when I was ready but yes it was a little later then some. So when I was single, it was obvious that to some people that I couldn't possibly understand what it was like to be in a relationship and understand the complexity that it entailed. Regardless of the fact that I was a grown women and had experienced many things in my life.

So, after I was married everyone around me started getting pregnant and having babies, now I was in a new category. Not single anymore but not pregnant and then not a mother. So again, it was obvious that to some people, I couldn't possibly understand what it was like to be pregnant or have a child. Which yes, this is true. I do not know what it is like to be 38 weeks pregnant or have endless sleepless nights, or know all the ins and outs of breastfeeding or diaper changing or....well you know..... But let me try to make you understand...I AM NOT AN IDIOT. I have nephews, god daughters, friends with babies, so maybe I don't know the finite details, I do understand that your 5 month old baby does not eat steak and that he/she is not going to go to the bathroom all by her/him self. And in regards to pregnancy, yes maybe I don't know what it feels like to have a baby kick inside me but I have done enough research on the subject to make your head spin...and just because I am not pregnant doesn't mean I don't get to have opinions on how I would like my pregnancy/child birth to go. Just because you had a baby, does not make you all knowing...no...nooo...nooooo it really doesn't.

So the next time you decide to leave the woman out who is in limbo land of your friendship or discussion please remember, just because I am not in the same "stage" you are does not mean I am not interested or might even...just a thought...have an opinion or an idea that might help you.

The Humor Factor

So, when I started this blog I figured it would be a great way to get out my frustration and anxiety with the whole process of trying to have a baby. Then, after writing my first few posts and talking to one of my greatest friends about the blog she said something that has stuck with me ever since. She thought it was great and interesting but could tell I was hiding behind humor. Now let me tell you about my great friend, she says things constantly that are so astute and make me stop,think and really look at myself. And you know what she was right on. From my first post when I explain about things like my miscarriage, my husband's SA analysis and just my overall feeling about this process never did I say how scared, sad or worried I am about this. Why do we do that, hide behind our humor? Because, it is uncomfortable for everyone involved, for me who is writing about it and you who are reading it. I knew that when I decided to do this blog up that possibly a lot of people would read it. People like my mom, dad, sister, friends, extended family. So when I started to think about writing about the really hard stuff I thought how do I make this sound o.k., so that way no one will feel uncomfortable. So, therefore I used humor. This is not to say that I can't talk about experiences that I will and have gone through with some jest because face it some of this stuff is just really funny. But today is different....

I need to write about something sad, and there is no way to sugar coat it or make it funny or lighten it up because in the end it is just...sad.

Next Tuesday, 09/15/09 is what was supposed to be my due date. A whole nine months have passed since I got pregnant and a whole 8 months have passed since I lost the baby. No words can describe how sad I am about this. Instead of saying I will be okay, it's alright it will happen for us again or any other words that try to make this something that it is not, which is just hard, I am going to say that 8 months ago I lost something that was so special to Eric and I, something that we both loved very much in the short time we had it, 09/15/09 will pass for most as just another day and for me it will be forever ingrained in my memory, it will forever be the day that was supposed to be one of the happiest of my life.

It's In The Water

How many times have you heard that expression or, it comes in threes, it's contagious? All references to getting pregnant. Well, let me tell you something...if it were in the water I would be drinking gallons, no buckets, no TANKER fulls!!


Pregnant People All Around


First off let me explain, I am truly not bitter about ever pregnant person that come across my path, I may be a little jealous sometimes but never bitter. Never do I say...SHE gets to have a baby or deem someone not worthy of it. But with all that said it does get a little hard when they are popping up pregnant all around you!


In the months that we have been trying to get pregnant which has been a total of 10, 4 people in my life have become pregnant and two of those were surprises.


My sister, who I love with all my heart and is one of my best friends and I love her kids as if they were my own...I mean I literally miss them when I don't get to see them for a couple of days...got pregnant by surprise. She was done, finished, no more and then came the infamous Whiskey Wild night...and well let's just say six weeks later it was determined that nope, contrary to popular belief she wasn't done. But never have I been bitter. She on the other hand apologized to me greatly over and over again. I never thought a thing of it other then, damn I wish it were me too and DAMN you are fertile...


Then my sister-in-law gets pregnant by surprise...and again not bitterness just the same thoughts....


So my point in all of this is that not all women with conceiving troubles are bitter women who hate all pregnant women. I love and will love each of those babies and no matter what if if there are more to come will love those also.


Just all the while hoping my time will come and I might just might go searching for the elusive water that is taited with the pregnancy gene...maybe one day I will get my hands on it ;o)

Hi My Name Is Jenny...I Am A Pee On A Stick Addict.

Can you see a line? I am sure there is a line?

For those of us in the TCC community I know we have heard this a thousand times...I am a pee on a stick addict. Now for those of you who don't know what this means, let me try to explain and give you a real look of what it is like to be a pee on a stick addict or POAS addict.

Okay this is usually how it goes...Day 1 this is the first day of your new cycle, you have either accepted it didn't happen this month or you are still grieving (or in some cases..screaming, crying and acting out..depends on the month) so the days go on, you are better, you have recovered from day one and are looking forward. Everything seems okay, it is a new month and new hope and new excitement that this may really be the month. So now you are on day 10, okay things are still going okay but you know that it is time to start ovulation testing. So you do this all the while still in pretty good spirits. And you get your positive ovulation test...now you are excited..okay we are prime and ready to go! So now you "have fun" ( I will talk about this later and how this is me being sarcastic) and you "have fun" and "have fun"...okay you get the drift. Now we are on day 16, usually for me this means I am now two days past ovulation. My prime time is up and now we are in the....dreaded...horrible...just plain mean...TWO WEEK WAIT. Oh man just typing it gives me chills. This is the time from when you ovulated until your new cycle or Day 1 comes again and all you are waiting for is enough time to pass after ovulation to take a pregnancy test.

In this awful two week wait is when the addict come out. Most sane people don't test until after they have expected their new cycle. Not for a POAS addict. We start testing at the earliest moment possible. This means we have done hours of research to find out when someone, somewhere got there positive test on the earliest day possible. Most of us have seen it happen as early as 9 days past ovulation (DPO) . So then it will be hard for me to make you understand why I have started testing as early as 7 DPO..I know, this is ridiculous but think about the mind of an addict..never rational.

So the testing starts, and just like any other drug once it has started it is so hard to stop. You will spend your life savings for one of those damn tests. And so you test, and test and test. You see phantom lines, you decide to use the digital and then when it says "not pregnant" you think it must be wrong so you go back to the ones with lines. I have walked into the dollar store and bought ten $1 pregnancy tests at one time. As I go through the register I can't even make eye contact with the cashier.

Now, I am so ashamed to admit this, but remember I was in the throws of the addiction, but in one day I once tested...6 times...because from somewhere deep in my sickness I really thought that test was going to change one of those times...

The problem with the two week wait not only has to do with the testing but it is also with the fact that for me this is the time where I become obsessed with all things pregnancy. I do most of my research during this time, I go on all the pregnancy websites during this time, I watch all my favorite pregnancy shows during this time. So you can see how the obsession feeds the addiction.

So there I am testing, my poor husband just shaking his head and I do this for literally one full week and sometimes multiple times a day (remember I don't usually start until at least 7 days after ovulation) and so after countless tests, hours and hours of research and more money than I would ever admit...Day 1 starts the cycle all over again. I am again rational and promise myself I will not sub come to my addiction next month.
I will give it to at LEAST day.....10.

Infertile...what exactly does that mean?

You Are Infertile....

So those are some pretty scary words...but what does that mean? I won't ever have a little bundle of my own to hold and someone to call me mom or I just might now be able to bear my own children?

I am going to let you in on a little secret that you might not know if you are not part of the "trying to conceive" community. There is almost no such thing as completely infertile...except for a select few. But if you have enough money, time, patience, sanity almost everyone can have a child of their own one way or another. But the bigger question is where does it stop? I think for a lot of couples this is the hardest decision to come too.

So lets say your eggs are not good or you have blocked fallopian tubes well then just buy someone elses eggs, if your husband sperm is not all that great okay then just buy some other "studs" sperm, if your uterus is not up to par okay then just rent another womens uterus. There is clomid, injectibles, IUI, IUI with clomid, IUI with injectibles, IVF, IVF with ICSI, IVF with GIFT, surragocy, and then in the end there is adoption. ALL and I mean ALL cost a lot of money and are emotionaly exhausting. It's almost comical when your doctor turns to you and says, "oh, it's okay we can just do IVF with ICSI" really? ohh it's okay? I'm sorry did I not make it clear that I usually don't have $18,000 just lying around. Did I fail to mention that...my mistake.

I swear I am waiting for the day where I am sitting up late at night watching t.v. thinking about how and when this is going to happen for us and an info commercial is going to come on, I can hear it now. Some Billy Mayes sounding guy....

~~Yes!! You too can have a child of your own...call now...and for the low low price of $14,000 you too can have a kid. First 50 callers get two free perscriptions of clomid.~~

So where does it end? When do you stop? I know I am not there yet but I am so afraid that I am not going to know when to say quit, I'm done, I've had enough. I hope I know soon because I certainly don't want to be in the vuneralbe position I am in now when that info commercial comes :o)

Just Relax It Will Happen....

These are words I hear all to often, just relax it will happen. I know the people relaying these words are only trying to help or they just don't know what else to say but after hearing these words for so long and and so many times they cause infuriating reactions within me every time I hear them now.

I decided to start a blog because I thought it might be a good outlet to get my frustration out without having to bombard my close friends and family all the time with my obsession of trying to conceive. This is a big deal for me as most everyone in my life knows that my husband and I are "trying" not many know of our struggles. I have decided that instead of hiding it and giving the polite answer every time I hear "just relax" I am letting the world know....relaxing is not going to make me pregnant.

Our journey together started almost three years ago, we met on a quasi blind date, we had seen pictures because we met on Match.com and had spoken on the phone numerous times but our first date was the first time in person. It was January 21st 2007, one of my best days. I knew Eric was cute because of his pictures and was pretty sure he was a nice guy because of our phone conversations but meeting him in person was a whole new level. I had been alone for the almost ten years prior to this first date pretty much by choice as I had a close nit group of girlfriends but never really had the confidence to as they say...get out there... and was very nervous about where this was going to go, Eric had been out of a seven year relationship for about a year and was also apprehensive about this meeting. Well, long story short...the first date was awesome and I feel in love with this man very quickly and we were married on May 20th 2008 and what a whirlwind ever since.

We decided because of our ages, I was 31 Eric was 34 that we would start trying to conceive pretty quickly. I went off my birth control in Oct of 2008 and that is when the madness began. We tried for two month and me being so naive in this process was starting to get frustrated that I was not getting pregnant..didn't this just happen, I mean I have friends who got accidentally bundles of joy and a sister who got pregnant every time she got looked at sideways :o) so with my frustration I decided to get some ovulation predictor tests..okay I thought, this will do it, and it did! I was pregnant the first month after using the OPK in December of 08. We were so overjoyed and even started thinking of names the minute the second line turned up on the HPT. I will have to admit, I was worried from day one for some reason. I know that a lot of first time pregnant women worry but this was something different. I knew deep down that something was not right...well, it was a Sunday night and I started to spot. After calling my dad who is a nurse hysterically crying cause I knew what was happening, he calmed me down enough to understand that some women spot. Okay I thought maybe this was not what my gut was telling me it was...I called the advice RN the next morning and they told me the same thing, it can be normal and just take it easy and see what happens. So I did, I stayed home from work and waited...Monday came with just light spotting and I called the advice RN that morning and they decided to go ahead and get my beta HCG done and have me come in on Tuesday. So Tuesday afternoon and head to the office to receive my fate. The RN Midwife who saw me was a wonderful lady with such a kind voice, I ask her what my HCG was (I was supposed to be six weeks that day) she tells me it is 150, I know this is not good. It should be in the tens of thousands...I know at this instant sitting there that my dream, my baby is gone. She decides to do and ultrasound anyway and the minute it starts she says to me I am so sorry honey, there is nothing there....nothing there...those words will ring in my ears forever..how can there be nothing there, I loved this little thing more than I could love anything this else for the past three weeks and there is nothing there, we lost our bean on Jan 21st 2009? So, we found out it what a blighted ovum, meaning the egg was fertilized and implanted but never grew. So the healing begins, we were both devastated as our little bean was already in our hearts but we tried to reason with ourselves, there was something wrong, it was Gods plan, these things just happen. It took a while but we were able to heal and start to move on. Thankfully I did not have to have a d&c and everything passed naturally and we were given the go to start trying again after my next cycle.

~~It was determined with some testing that I had PCOS but we knew I was ovulating since I got a positive ovulation test, and got pregnant so they decided to put me on glucophage to help my insulin levels and sent me on my way~~

So we got pregnant once this should be easy right!?!

So, armed with my OPK tests we started trying again. Feb comes and goes, March comes and goes, April comes and goes, May comes and goes...wait a minute, this was supposed to be easy. I get a positive OPK every month we "have fun" when we are supposed to, why isn't this happening? I have gone into obsession about this and poor Eric is just trying to keep up. So we decided that it is time to see a specialist. WIth my age they told me they would see me after six months of trying and we are there. I make an apt with my OB/GYN who is a great lady to talk out the specifics. By this point I am on research overload, it seems every spare minute is spend on the internet trying to find statistics, statistics about conceiving naturally, conceiving with PCOS, conceiving with different positions, conceiving, conceiving, conceiving.....so hearing her talk about all our options I feel empowered we are going to get these tests done and get to the bottom of this and we are going to conceive..lol, like it is that easy, like you can demand it. So, we decide to put me on the clomid challenge (just a fancy name to put me on clomid and take some levels at different times in my cycle) and have Eric get a semen analysis, and then set me up for an HSG.

So, this is where we stand today 9 months later, HSG done, Semen Analysis done we have challenges but nothing we can't overcome....another appointment on Tuesday to talk about our new options and where we go from here. So, thanks for the advice but as you can see just relaxing is not going to get us pregnant.